A government health warning to meditators

Christopher Titmuss

The Government has determined that meditation is harmful to your health.

If meditation is not stopped immediately, it can cause an end to rebirth.

Early physical symptoms include pain in the knees, sore ankles, tension in the shoulders, and various degrees of back pain.

Early mental symptoms include lust, negativity, boredom, restlessness, fear and doubts. Meditators are liable at any time to multiple hindrance attacks.

As early symptoms abate, meditators will sit motionless for hours every day or will find themselves, at fixed times, walking up and down, repetitively, unable to offer reasons for their behaviour. Some meditators stand still for an hour or more unable to move. They appear catatonic.

It is advisable to avoid talking to meditators who are in meditation. Such an approach can provoke strong irritability from the meditator. Under no circumstances touch a meditator as it can release a sudden outburst of hostile reaction such as ‘Can’t you see that I’m meditating?’

The ability of meditators to do useful work is greatly reduced. Meditators show no interest in material things.

In advanced stages, meditators will intentionally cut off all memories and any associations with the past. Such meditators will show a complete unwillingness to plan for the future and a refusal to associate themselves with anything that is happening in the present. Meditators claim they have no self.

In the most advanced cases, meditators spend long periods in solitude and silence ranging from a few weeks to many months or even years. These meditators require total care and support from retreat centres.

Some of these meditators are willing to work up to one hour per day but they are known to work very slowly; they barely accomplish anything. Some advanced meditators take an hour to slice a single carrot.

The Government has defined meditation as a serious mental health hazard and advises the public to take all precautions necessary to avoid exposure to this dangerous activity. In his conclusion, the Government has determined meditation as a threat to our society and our way of life.